onebullet | Voice Test: OTA 🗣️

1. Rough Ride

[ Trying to outrun pursuers, or in the middle of a gun fight and need an evac STAT? Never fear, Shepard is here!

The ramshackle car barrelling towards you screeches into a 180 turn at the last second, almost rolling from the force of the manoeuvre as too-thin tyres lose a little more of themselves to the concrete.

With two loud BANGs, the passenger-side door yields to the kicks of the driver, crashing against the front fender in a shower of glass. ]

Get in!

[ Shepard swivels back into position with a bounce, one hand gripping the wheel and the other on the stick-shift of the ancient car. Her focus snaps back to movement in the wing mirror, body tensed like a coiled spring that's itching to hit the gas. Maybe you know her, maybe you don't, but one thing is very clear: she's trying to save your ass from whatever mess you're in. ]

⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.⋆

2. Is This Loss?

[ Index finger thumps against pursed lips as she studies the display, brow furrowed in thought. Maybe it's something you yourself made, put a lot (or very little) effort into. Perhaps you're a fan of the arts, or maybe you're not but know this piece is valuable and are scoping the joint. Whatever your reasons, Shepard turns to look at you with her arms crossed, finger curled back into the fist resting against her chin.

Her bright eyes are piercing, her gaze unnervingly intense. ]

... I don't get it.

[ A small, self-deprecating smile and an unapologetic shrug. She's a soldier, not a critic. ]

⋆⭒˚.⋆🪐 ⋆⭒˚.⋆

3. Choose Your Own Adventure

[Bring it on. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞]

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[He nods, keeping silent. His steps as quiet as he can make them. Neither of his guns are anything but stupidly loud, so he holds.]

[With the visor, he can make out a heat signature, but it's too odd to readily identify it, and braces for the worst.]

[The sound comes again.]

[It's not a rabbit that comes out of the brush.]

[It's not a Reaper.]

[It's something much worse.]

The hell--

[ It's just a cow...

BUT WAIT. Those beady little eyes, those grabby little hands.

This cow looks awfully familiar. And shifty. ]

I think this guy owes me credits.

... I'm seeing things.

I hit my head while we were driving. And now I'm seeing things.

[That seems as logical an explanation as any.]

[The cow reaches over to the bushes with one of those... hands... and casually starts chewing on a branch.]

[It's watching you.]

Yeah, that's right. Keep the hands where I can see them.

[ She quickly glances to Garrus and then back, reluctant to take her eyes off the cow she's sure is looking to pickpocket her any second now. ]

You were belted in so hard you took forever to get out again, what did you hit your head on?

[ A beat. ]

And my driving was fine.

[Did it move when she glanced away? Did it...? No. Garrus has eyes on it instead.]

My helmet. [That he isn't currently wearing.] How did one of these things get here?

[The silence is extremely skeptical.]

No comment.

Hitched a ride on a geth ship, maybe?

[ She steps back away from the foul beast, then scans the horizon for signs of dragons teeth. Nothing obvious, but it is dark now... ]

I'm pretty damn certain they're not native. Someone's pet? Though who the hell would want one of these.

The geth keep pets now?

[He's kidding. And keeping his gun trained on it while she steps away. No credit stealing tonight, cow.]

Somebody broke? Nothing for these things to steal. [A step back of his own.] Unless you think they're trying to Reaper-ify these.

[ She's about to scoff at that idea, but she's seen what husking different species can do. Human husks are tame compared to the transformations turian, krogan and asari go through... Perhaps a shifty-looking cow would be the most horrific and deadly husk of all. ]

I don't think they're advanced enough to be the target of Reapers. Yet.

[ Her glare at the creature will probably go unnoticed in the dark, but it's a threat - if we fail, you're next. ]

Oh... Good. Small miracles.

[It probably wouldn't be very effective. Unless they slapped its legs on something else. Make a quadrupedal horror.]

I guess we're leaving it?

Unless there's a reason for us to bring it..? I don't think it'll cause any harm out here. Or do you want another pet for the Normandy?

[ Would it end up being treated like royalty like the space hamster, or die like all the fish she's tried to keep? Probably the latter. On purpose. Shepard hates these cows. ]

Oh, no, not bring it with us. I... guess I meant leave it here. Alive.

[That thing is not coming aboard, thanks.]

[Unless-] On the other hand. Maybe Vega needs a friend. Rummaging around in his weight rack every now and then.

You think this thing could lift the weights Vega uses?

[ She comes closer again, still out of grabbing distance. ]

I think it'd struggle lifting something heavier than a credit chit.

I think it'd try. You know - not really screw with his setup. Just mess things around a bit.

[Garrus are you still giving him shit. Be nice to the man.]

[... or maybe this is a bonding thing.]

No. And especially not one of these.

If you wanna tease Vega, do it with your own hands and see how that goes.

All right, all right... the cargo bay will be cow-free for another day.

[He wasn't actually going to bring the thing aboard. But it is kind of funny to imagine.]

[ It's funnier for her to imagine Garrus being chased around by Vega like they're in some extranet comedy show. ]

Cow-free is how I like my ship, and my crew.

[ If Garrus had been fond of these creatures and genuinely wanted one as a pet she might, might, have considered bringing it on board. ~~In a Hannibal-ass straightjacket.~~ Thankfully, he is not. ]

[They'd probably settle it in an old fashioned wrestling match or something. Even odds who'd win.]

I guess we'll have to make do with the fish and the hamster...

[He likes the hamster too, let's be real. If only because those pets make Shepard happy.]

[ She'd put money on Vega as a wind up. ]

Hey, the hamster is a valuable member of the crew. Honorary second-in-command.

[ She fucking loves that hamster. ]

[Some reach and flexibility without the round two.]

He'll be gunning for my job, next. I guess I have to step up the calibrations.

[Garrus no.]

[ Garrus no. ]

You calibrate those guns any more and you'll turn into one of them.

That'd save on dextro rations, at least.

[How do you keep this comedian around.]

In that case, feel free. I wouldn't need to worry about a gun being a smartass, either.

Oh, trust me, you would. I'd find a way.

You're right, you shoot your mouth off enough already.

[ She winks and shoots a finger gun at him with the hand not gripping her pistol. ]

... Wait, what's that one?

[He shifts his rifle to lean against his shoulder and the crook of his elbow, in order to imitate her.]

Is that the insulting one, or the... 'we're good' one?

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